Osaka, Day 1: Budget airlines, robot dinosaurs, and space toilets

I braced myself for China Eastern Airlines like a woman walking to the gallows — thanks to a million reviews promising discomfort, despair, and maybe a loss of faith in humanity. But surprise: none of that happened. Loads of legroom, shockingly good food, and a flight crew so nice they felt imported from a better timeline. Honestly, I have no idea what people expect from a budget airline, but this one held its own against American, Air Canada, and British Airways.

Shanghai airport? Easier to navigate than some New York subway stations. Osaka airport? Efficient, though I’m now intimately familiar with every type of security check known to man.

Then came the hotel check-in — greeted not by a person, but by two robotic velociraptors wearing leis. Yes, dinosaurs. With leis. It felt like I’d wandered into Jurassic Park: The Hawaiian Luau Edition. And they were surprisingly polite.

The room itself? Basic. But Japan doesn’t do “basic” without flair. Freebies galore — pajamas, toothbrush, body scrub, Q-tips, even an in-room foot massager, like they knew I’d just survived a 19-hour journey.

And the toilet. Oh, the toilet. A heated seat, a control panel that looks like it could launch a small satellite, and a bidet so precise it felt like it knew me personally. If this is how the future feels, I’m staying.